| | To say that this week has been difficult, or painful, or trying, would be the understatement of my entire year in Japan. I've probably never thought so much, felt so much, cried so much, or analyzed so much in my entire life. Deciding between staying here until March or coming home in September has possibly been the hardest decision I've ever been faced with...and the past two days have been quite a climax.
I can't remember the last time I cried as hard as I did tonight. Ayumi was upset with me and said that, basically, she had had enough of me. And it felt like not just as a boyfriend, but as a person and a human being, she was ready to be done with me. I have felt the pain of that emotion and statement too many times from so many people over the course of my (only) 21 years, and so the floodgates opened. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of friends walking away. I'm tired of feeling rejected and unwanted and undesirable. But then God shatters through.
Despite the wandering back and forth I've done in Japan, despite the ways I have grown for the better and regressed for the worse, despite the many bad decisions I've made, some even willfully, I still find Yahweh, the great, creative, merciful, just, wise, kind, forgiving Love who Is, to be at the very core of my identity.
Even the liter or two of tears I shed into my girlfriend's pillow tonight can not come close to the expressing the pain I've felt over and over as one person after another has rejected or walked away from me over the course of my life. But it's in the midst of that hollowing, consuming pain that I hear most clearly the screaming whisper of God rush into the very center of my being. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I have always loved you, and I will never forsake you. You belong to me, and you will come home to me. Do not fear any longer, my beloved son." If it were not for this love, this deep and real and perfect presence that I feel when I am at my very lowest, I would have given up on this life a long time ago. Even in the midst of it, I find myself complaining "I am so tired, so very very tired. I just want to come home." But I am reminded again that "There is still much to see, much to do, much to learn. Remember this pain after tonight, because I will use it to heal many others. Hold fast to Me and you will be home soon enough."
Some guy is famous for his profound statement, "There, but for the grace of God, I go." I'm not sure if it will take me longer to understand God's great grace or that guy's godawful grammar, but I am savoring the flavor of it more with every passing day. Thank you Jesus, for opening that path home, for me and for all of us.
There, but for the grace of God, I go. |
| | Posted 8/9/2007 3:04 AM - 87 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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